


Without Expectation

by alocalband



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7514989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alocalband/pseuds/alocalband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Bitty’s whole body is trembling slightly. He thinks he’s managed to hide the worst of it, though, and he pulls up a determined expression. The same one he would if this were checking practice. He pulls up the same tone of voice he’d use then as well. “Kiss me again.”</em>
</p><p>(In which Bitty is nervous about physical intimacy, and is way too hard on himself about it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Expectation

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr, but then the post got deleted :( Reposted to tumblr [here.](http://alocalband.tumblr.com/post/147595414210/zimbits-93-and-2-from-this-prompt-list-in)

The fireworks are loud and bright overhead, even this far away from the crowds. Pressed together in the bed of Bitty’s father’s pickup truck, parked in a deserted field, Jack’s fingers trace lazy patterns onto Bitty’s hip, his forearm resting across Bitty’s stomach. His other arm is wrapped around Bitty’s shoulders, his bicep the perfect pillow.

It’s like every first date fantasy Bitty has ever had come to life and then some.

Over the course of the evening, tentative cuddling becomes casual kissing becomes furtive groping. Until Jack is moving his hands down Bitty’s abdomen on a very clear path to the fly of Bitty’s shorts, and everything whites out for a second.

Bitty flinches on reflex, and Jack immediately draws away.

Bitty silently curses himself. “No, wait, I– I’m sorry– I–“

Jack moves his hands up and down where they’d paused, one softly scratching along Bitty’s spine, the other gently squeezing Bitty’s thigh. Jack kisses his chin, his cheek, his nose. “It’s okay. I like what we’re doing. We don’t have to do more.”

“I _want_ to do more.”

Jack smiles softly. “We’ll get there.”

*

Providence is like a dream.

Bitty’s whole body is trembling slightly. He thinks he’s managed to hide the worst of it, though, and he pulls up a determined expression. The same one he would if this were checking practice. He pulls up the same tone of voice he’d use then as well. “Kiss me again.”

“You’re shivering,” Jack murmurs into his neck.

“I’m just– I’m excited.”

“Bits…”

“Kiss me again.”

He pulls away just enough to look Bitty in the eyes. “And I would in a heartbeat if I thought you meant that.”

“I…” Bitty can feel his expression crumple, his breath hitch, his eyelids blink furiously against a sudden onslaught of potential tears. “ _I’m sorry_.”

“Bitty,” Jack says the nickname like he’s been saying it this whole time. Like it didn’t take him two years to get from “eat more protein” to “I’ll text you.” Like he’s so certain of his feelings for Bitty now that it’s as much a fact of the universe as gravity and Beyoncé. “You are the most beautiful and wondrous thing I have ever known, and you are here in my bed with me. What more could I ever ask for?”

 _Fewer clothes?_ Bitty wants to throw back. But bites down on his bottom lip to stop himself, and holds onto Jack tightly until the whispered endearments and gentle hands lull him to sleep.

*

Jack’s first visit to the Haus after graduation is ostensibly so he can terrify the tadpoles, per Ransom and Holster’s request.

Turns out it’s also to terrify Bitty, though not intentionally.

The moment they finally get to be alone together, locked securely away in Bitty’s bedroom with the rest of the Haus completely empty, Jack pounces on him.

Bitty panics.

It’s instinct. It’s a knee-jerk response that is so ingrained in him it took months of checking practice just to make sure he could stay on his feet through the _potential_ of sudden contact.

Later, when his breathing has evened out and he has whispered the words “I’m sorry,” so many times he’s lost count, Jack cups his cheek from where he lays on the bed beside him. His thumb strokes softly across Bitty’s blush. “You know I would never hurt–”

“I know,” Bitty is quick to interrupt. “I know you were only playing. That you just wanted to… I know. I’m sorry. It’s not very sexy when you want to pin your boyfriend against a wall if he has a panic attack over it.”

Jack just shakes his head. “I won’t do it again.”

“No, Sweetheart, you should be able to– I’ll be better about it next time, really. I’ll–“

“ _Bits_. I won’t do it again,” Jack repeats.

A sigh of relief is punched out of him at the promise, and Bitty hates himself a little for it. But he plasters on a tentative smile regardless.

*

The moment the rest of the guys have left after Jack’s first Falc’s game, Bitty kisses him for all he’s worth. He takes his time undressing them both, Jack letting him set the pace. Bitty _wants_ so much, and he has been terrified of that want just as much as he’s been terrified of what the actual results might be if he gets it. But if he just powers through the fear, maybe…

An hour later, Bitty stands in the doorway between the bathroom and the master bedroom in his underwear, valiantly biting back tears.

Jack is sitting up on the bed, his sad eyes even sadder when they spot Bitty’s. “You’re okay, Bits. We’re okay.”

Bitty hiccups and shakes his head. “I want to try again.”

“Bitty…”

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” he pleads, hoping the desperation he feels isn’t apparent in his tone. “I promise I’ll be alright if we just try it again.”

Jack stands up from the bed and steps forward.

Bitty flinches involuntarily, and Jack stops.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks quietly.

“No,” Bitty chokes out. “No, please don’t– But I understand if you want–” He hiccups again, and then stumbles forward to fall into the protective circle of Jack’s arms.

He doesn’t know how the one thing that feels _right_ and _safe_ in his life is also the one thing that creates in him this much anxiety.

He just wants to give Jack everything in the whole entire world, including himself. And every time he feels himself hesitate, or lets himself succumb to his nerves, it feels like he’s letting Jack down. It feels like he’s letting down the man he _loves_ just because of some stupid mental block.

And Jack just keeps letting him get away with it. Which Bitty doesn’t know what to do with. Why isn’t he mad? Why isn’t he moving onto bigger and better things? He deserves that. He deserves… Well. More than Bitty can give, apparently.

*

Jack arrives at the Haus on a weekend when Bitty really wasn’t expecting him. There are no pies to greet his boyfriend, no overeager tadpoles hiding in wait, and Bitty’s laundry is still in a pile on his closet floor. Jack doesn’t seem to mind.

“I want you to do something for me, if you’re okay with it,” he tells Bitty when they’re tucked secretly away in Bitty’s bedroom, Jack sitting on the edge of the bed while Bitty stands before him.

Bitty braces himself, hands clenched into fists around the bottom hem of his own shirt. He vows that whatever it is Jack asks, he’ll do it. He’ll do it and he won’t let his fear get the better of him. He’ll just focus on the pleasure of the act, the pleasure he honestly longs for with an intensity that might outweigh his anxiety at times, if only he could catch himself at the _right_ times. But, unfortunately, the distance between him and Jack, as well as their hectic schedules, hasn’t yet allowed for that.

“This is… It might feel silly?” Jack continues. “But it’s something my therapist had me do after rehab. And it helped, after awhile.”

Bitty blinks, confused, as Jack pulls a folded piece of notebook paper from out of his pocket and hands it to him. “Could you read that for me?” Jack asks. “Uh, out loud. Please. If you can. If not, that’s okay too.”

Bitty unfolds the paper and stares at it. Just a single line in Jack’s elegant, looping handwriting. He reads the words slowly, his heart in his throat. “I am loved,” he begins. “But I…” He swallows roughly. “But I am more than just the expectations of those who love me. And I’m not going to apologize for this. Not anymore.”

Jack is staring at his own knees when Bitty looks back up at him. “I don’t know if it’s the same for you. I mean, I know it’s not. But I think, in a way, we both sometimes have trouble believing those words. And I just thought… The thing is, I– I love you, Eric. And I want you to be happy just as much as you want me to be, maybe even more. I don’t want you to feel like you have to apologize for not giving me things that you aren’t ready to give.”

“ _Jack.._.” Bitty closes his eyes, and draws in a deep, steadying breath. “I’m not very good at standing up for myself. Even against my own, imaginary demons. Though I suppose you’ve witnessed that firsthand in a number of circumstances. Learning how to take a check in hockey was honestly the first time I’d ever really managed it, and that took so much _time_ … I hope I do get there eventually with– with _this_ too, but I don’t know how long it’ll take for me not to see it all as a conflict that I’d just rather smile and nod my way out of. I don’t know how to change that part of myself.”

Jack takes Bitty’s hands in both of his and massages his thumbs into Bitty’s palms. “Bits. You have dealt with my anxiety and my history and my career with more grace than I ever could have hoped for from anyone. You are the most inspirational human being I have ever come across and I am grateful every single hour of every single day to have the honor and the privilege of knowing you, let alone getting to be as close to you as you are comfortable with. Bitty, _I love you_. And if the most physical display of affection we ever shared was a fist bump, I’d still love you and I’d still be more grateful for it than I know how to express.”

Bitty wraps Jack up in his arms at that, holding Jack’s head against his chest, and he presses a lingering kiss into his hair.

“Please don’t ever be sorry for being yourself with me,” Jack whispers. “I am so honored that I get to be here with you. That you would have me. It blows my mind that you would even–”

“I love you too,” Bitty interrupts, suddenly unable to hold himself back. And he kisses as many places on Jack’s face and neck as he can, repeating the words breathlessly along the way. “I love you,” he whispers. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

*

They do “get there” eventually. Slowly, but a little more confidently than before, at a pace that soothes Bitty’s nerves in gradual degrees until he feels more than ready to take the plunge into unknown territory.

Bitty still apologizes in the meantime, but he also reads Jack’s note to himself nearly every morning, and feels infinitely lighter for it. For the fact that Jack wrote those words for him–words that were so deeply personal and close to Jack’s own anxieties–and, later on, for the fact that Bitty actually starts to believe them.


End file.
